Our brains are wired by the cultural and social exposure we come across. Coming from a South Asian culture where getting married is a milestone and throughout life, we train our daughters to be ready for the married life ahead. And during all those years what people say, what people experience and how happy married people look vs they actually are stick to our unconscious mind.
I come across many compliments on social media about us. How lucky I am to have him and how the pitch-perfect images show we are made for each other. But trust me there are always behind the scenes for that perfect click. How many times I whine to get that done. How he agrees and disagrees for another click. And how we happily agree to post the one which I think is better lol.
I am in the 13thyear of my married life and thought to write about few myths of marriage we are made to believe and what’s the truth behind it.
P.S I am not any relationship expert I am writing based on my experience.
Myth #1 Marriage is a Destination
What if I burst the bubble of “Happily Ever After”. We are made believe that now you have achieved the major milestone of marriage this is it. This is the destination; this message is spoon fed to us. It’s disturbing when the expectations we have associated with married life fails us. I have seen couple’s getting apart because their version of the story wasn’t how they expected it should turn out.
There is no one “Happily Ever After”, however, there are many. But you need to create those. In most ordinary moments of your life. They won’t come to you served in a dish.
Marriage is a continually unfolding journey. It’s like a dance in which you shape and mold the reality by continuous practice and shared pace. It’s like a continuous effort of waking up and making any day an exact version of your happily ever after. It’s not by chance it’s by choice.
Myth # 2 Love is organic in every marriage
Love is an integral ingredient that will always stay in marriage but how? One of the most common plots we see in the movies is the journey of a couple meeting falling in love, with possibility of having a conflict but then a quick resolution with a hopeful closure lasting in marriage. The real picture of marriage is not depicted as it is. The image of immortal love as a basic ingredient of marriage is kept as it is which is actually doing a disservice to our generation and culture.
People say why stay in marriage if “you just fell out of love”? Why stick around?
Let me share something I read years back that love is a “Verb” not a “Noun” you have to try to do it. You make a choice to cherish your partner as he or she is mostly when you don’t feel like doing it. The connection has to be created because in the times like this your partner needs you the most.
There are times when I accept I may be a very difficult annoying person to live with (Ask A about it) and then there are times when I am the most understanding and easy to go with. Same is the case with A. We have our own comfort zones and our own pet peeves. And even though we have been together for years still there are times we have our arguments and debates on the most common things with a different point of view. The point of saying all this is…its natural and normal. But closure to this important to let the love sparkle every day.
Myth # 3 Romance goes out of the window
We are told that in real life romance goes out of the window in after first 2 to 3 years of marriage. And after that its two dull people living under one roof forced to live together mostly because of kids. Well, let’s burst this myth too.
This happens but to those people who let it happen to them. I agree there is a transition in the way romance is being done. Obviously, it’s not like you are meeting once in a week and you keep all the good things for that 1 hour together. It’s not the fancy long-awaited dates or roses (well some people can manage to do that after too).
Romance in daily life is what becomes part of your routine. That 45 minutes when your kids are asleep and you unwind your day on a cup of tea is romance. Or when unexpectedly you try to surprise your partner with something unexpected that doesn’t need to be big. It offering the last bite of your food when you have been keeping it aside for the last. It’s like buying something for your partner in the grocery that’s not mentioned on the grocery list. It’s saying goodbye to them by standing on the door until they disappear from your sight. Its keeping each other at ease knowing what might be uncomfortable for your partner. Its waking up to small love messages with loads of daily instruction on post it on your bathroom mirror. It’s not in big things it’s in small meaningful gestures like getting a cup of tea from your spouse when you know he is tired too.
Myth #4 Do Everything Together
And in the end let’s talk about do everything with your partner myth. Women from our society are told do everything after you get married with your husband. What if you want to travel but he is not into travelling. What do you do? It’s important to respect this. He might have preference for things that you don’t find interesting.
It’s important to understand that you and him are individuals who have preferences and likings as an individual person even before you became a couple. It’s essential to know each other as a person before. Make a list of things that you can do as a couple and that you can do as an individual. Which means there will be things that you would be willing to try for your spouse and vice versa.
For example, I like adventurous sports like scuba, sky diving etc. but A is not into it. He has taken its time but he is on board with me doing it and he is cheering me up. In the same way he likes having a slow start of the day when we are at vacation while I like early start with a checklist of what to do. So, we end up deciding few days with
It’s like doing things together but learning the way your partner likes it.
What was the myth about marriage that you believed when you were getting married?