A letter to my First Born

Dear Son,

I knew nothing about motherhood when I had you except reading it in books and seeing my mother around us 24/7 for everything which made me think what if I am not around for you like that would it make me a legit mom?

I wasn’t even ready as you arrived 2 months earlier…I didn’t know if you and I would survive that massive surgery…. I saw you after 48 hours and the moment I realized I couldn’t touch you for days broke me inside out.

We had our relationship in this world begin across the glass of incubator. We had our tough days in the beginning… hope and prayers worked and you were home. Scared as hell I would make sure you are ok even when you were asleep. I remember checking up on your breathing every 15 minutes because my heart was always pounding against my chest with a fear that I couldn’t explain.

You have had the best of me, my sobbing exhaustion as I went back to work and held you closer to my chest to make you understand how important it was for mama too go back to work, my happy tears when I was proud of your little milestones, my most genuine smiles were all because you were the SUN we were revolving around. Separation anxiety as I left you for a year to study abroad…. how much I cried on those lonely walks in Dublin as I came back from work…. because all I could I hear was an echo in my head you saying “Mama can’t I touch you through the screen” ….

It looks like yesterday I was rocking you to sleep reciting Durood Shareef and now when I look back I wonder where did the years go? Despite me being me, you turned out an amazing child:). I probably was hard on you many times to make you learn through “Tough Love”, probably I hovered too much or too less around you when you had a petty fall. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok and you grow up as an independent guy.

The work trips I had when you were with me sitting in a conference room quiet and observing my crazy work routine…and as we came to our room you would hug me and acknowledge how proud you are of me? Those moments boosted my energy …. more than the increments and title. I am not even sure when you became my friend and how sharing most of the things in my head with you became an integral part of daily routine.

We have experienced the world together! Haven’t we?  As I count the days ahead…soon things will change. Baby A will be here and soon you will be a big brother. My love, those tiny moments we have together, those impromptu plans to go out you and me will be missed out often. I might rely too much on your independent nature and expect you to take charge of things.

You have always seen me physically independent …I might not be the same as the baby arrives and my body will need your support too. With my love being multiplied for you 2…. my patience might be reduced to half.

The truth is we expect you will take over the responsibility, like a big brother, a protector and a best friend. But remember nothing can ever change mine and Baba’s love for you. You will always be our first one, our precious one. No matter how many times I will feel …I am failing I will look at you and realize that somehow, I am doing something right.

I love you Baita and thanks for being who you are.

Mama!